The World

by soup

Will someone tell me how the hell the world got to the point where we need licenses to fish? In my opinion (and granted, I may be wrong) a license symbolizes the fact that the secular world agrees that a person is skilled enough to perform a certain action.

The state recognizes that a 16-year-old is at a reasonable enough age to allow him or her to operate a vehicle (even though I scored 1 point above passing on my 16th birthday). But when did fishing get to the point to where society needed to screen applicants? Since when is a person so incompetent that they can’t fish? The fucked up thing is, I’ve been asked, on more than one occasion to show proof of my fishing license.

If this isn’t the an oversight, I don’t know what is.

Revolution Number Ten

by godfather

First off, I’d like to thank the big Soup for the visit tonight, he fought valiantly but still managed to take second place to the man. By the way, I would be the man. I hate to be that guy, but Soup isn’t quite that guy. Soup is second to me. Count it.

Regardless, I respect the Soup. He does what the Campbell’s do, namely, rock the house. While this is something worth respecting, tonight, I’d like to talk about something more important: drug commercials.

Yeah, those cheesy commercials that ask you to ask your doctor about a drug that “might be right for you,” What the fuck ever, acid might be right for you. John. Lennon.

Drugs, God’s gift to man

Okay, I am not 100% sure what drug was being advertised, but the warning tag line went like this:

If you are suspected of or have a history of tuberculosis, please let your doctor know before taking XXX.

Okay, first of all, if I had a history of tuberculosis, I’d most likely be DEAD. Especially since TB is under-diagnosed because of the highly unlikely nature of your catching it. Although we have an effective measure of treatment for TB, we never see it anymore so it’s unlikely that your trusting doc would diagnose you properly. That means you die, maybe.

Okay, so what if I have TB and need said advertised drug..

You’re fucked. Not only once, but twice: give up. While this isn’t an advice blog, but you might consider that.

So, who cares if giant corporations influence public opinion about the most tested drugs in the word?

Fucking ME. That’s who. This is the way it works: the rich people fuck the poor people. The end. Good fucking God what other proof do you need? For example:

We just invented a new drug for restless leg syndrome. RLS is a very rare and uncommon disease that isn’t well understood.

So let’s take the public by storm and declare that any sensations in  the legs around bedtime are the result of a rampant case of RLS!!!!!

Try it. Lay in bed and try to feel those restless legs. I bet you can. If you try really, really hard. You can feel it? Yep, buy our drugs. Problem solved.

Okay, what else is ruining America?

Carlos Mencia.

Seriously, who thinks this guy is funny? I might be breaking new ground for this blog (besides the fact that I am one of the few who post) but seriously this show of “comedy” is absolutely pathetic. Reciting ridiculous racial stereotypes is NOT EDGY. It’s old hat and stupid.

HHAHHAHAHHHAHAH. Mexicans wear funny hats and LOVE TACOS!@@!!!1!!1! HAHAHAH.

Please stop. Sweet nectarine Lord please stop.

So, what is enriching America?

Movies that come from other countries. How fucking sad is that? Take In Bruges for example, a racist midget is killed by some asshole because he wants to avenge a child’s death (which apparently is wrong). The racist midget is high on coke and  thinks blacks and white are gonna go at it Manson-style. Then a guy karate chops him. Said midget is killed by said asshole.

I don’t even care. Midgets, come get me. You’re so small that I can take you no problem. Pussies.

Karate chopping a midget = awesome. Awesome = enriching America. Basic science.

Done.

Alright, I’m finished after about 12 drinks or so over an 3-4 hours period. I’m really drunk. I don’t even care that this is a pathetic article. It’s a fucking article and it fucking counts. Fuck.

Walker Texas Porn

by godfather
  • Published:July 16th, 2008
  • Comments:9 Comments
  • Category:Loony Bin
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I am now about 10 1/2 drinks in and an avid fan of the famous Frank Sinatra’s quote:

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

For those of you who don’t know who Frank Sinatra is, you might consider killing yourself. I’m sorry if that rattles your petty conscience, but really, it is the most prudent thing to do. Like without knowledge of Frank is a massive waste, but I wish you the best of luck “14. Shov[ing] a Chef’s knife up your butt.” Really, good luck. Don’t forget to twist.

Shit, did I digress?

I suppose I did, because what I really wanted to talk about is Walker Texas Ranger. Now, most of you know Mr. Norris from the almost unending list of supposedly half-true (I say half-true because nobody who dares question the Man ever returns alive, therefore, we just don’t know) facts. While that is a good introduction to all that is Norris, you’re missing out on a vital, if elusive factor.

Walker Texas Porn.

“Walker Texas Porn” is kind of like a game, and kind of like a sick fantasy. Basically, you start with an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, and you strip (pun definitely fucking intended) away the retarded fight scenes and replace them with scenes of hardcore pornography.

Now since I have personally disallowed the viewing of pornography on this site, I can’t grace you with the amazing possibilities that naturally arise when you match a sub-par, long running B-rated action television show starring a Texas Ranger with hardcore vaginal pounding pornography. You’ll just have to trust me, it’s amazing.

Why would you do this?

Why not?

You do realize that not having a reason against doing  something is a common fallacy? How could you possibly do all the things you haven’t reasoned against doing in you life?

Fuck you, I just wanna watch Chuck Norris bang the hell out of some random bitches. As for my second question, drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

You are brilliant!

Fuckin’ aye I am!

So who would Walker bang?

Well, there are several people who fit the profile. For example, Cameron Diaz has been noted to like hairy men. I’m not saying she should be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris, but she should definitely be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris. Norris is hairy as hell, he once donated hair to Robin Williams, a real life gorilla. In fact, Williams starred in a Phil Collins music video sans makeup.

To answer your question, yes, Chuck Norris did make possible the most famous drum fill in history. He says you’re welcome.

I am now 12 drinks in, and I’ll spare you the math.

Shamed

by stretch

Shit happens when you drink.

From comments:

I would leave a backstory if I remembered it… I don’t remember much of anything from that night (see picture [below]).

I do remember waking up and taking 3 showers. When those didn’t effectively clean the cocks and balls off of my epidermis I sat in front of my mirror naked and scrubbed myself with dish soap.

I love being the blank canvas for all of you aspiring artists.

Shamed

Nascar Barbie

by godfather

Well, I’m about 12 drinks in and I’ve realized something after spending a night failing to do anything remotely interesting. Society is destined to fail, and by fail, I mean a glorious failure of Christian magnitude. And by Christian magnitude, I mean in every fucking way possible. This is basically because we, the general population, have fucked up so bad that even the sweet, nectarine Lord himself couldn’t save us from ourselves. I present:

Exhibit A: N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie

This sickening display should not only disgust car enthusiasts, but also whatever Barbie enthusiasts remain. Jesus H. Christ, why in the hell is there even such a thing as a “Barbie Enthusiast.” I mean, what in the fuck was the sweet lord thinking during the flood when he let the eventual precursor family that eventually spearheaded the introduction of the N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie survive?Nascar Barbie = Society Fails

It’s not so much a question of “Where did he go wrong?” but “Why the fuck did he let this go so obviously wrong?”. I mean, a retarded monkey with mechanical balls could tell you this was a bad idea, but yet, they went through with it. And worse, much, much worse, is that it was probably entirely successful. That my friends, is why, in part, there can logically be no god.

If you really step back and think about it, it becomes rather obvious. The Barbie Doll is a sickening beacon of our failure as a society that upholds basic intellectual principals. For example, here is a common lesson Barbie bestows on impressionable young girls:

Don’t worry, you’ve got nice tits young’n! Many a man will be impressed by your bossum and grant you many years of work free solitude!

Wow. Reading over my last sentence before my brief departure from reality into the mind of wicked parents who blatently distort reality to serve the ridiculous fantasies of CEO’s and other useless men, I’ve realized that perhaps I am being a little harsh. Essentially correct, but harsh none-the-less.

I wouldn’t wish the N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie upon anyone, ever. Except Jesus. And the entire fucking writing crew behind The Bible.

Oh, I also dispise organized religion.