• Published:November 6th, 2008
  • Comments:3 Comments
  • Category:News
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Well, no doubt that some of you got to my site via Facebook ads. I no longer have a coupon or extra money to devote to those Facebook ads but I am thinking about going annoying style and making a Facebook app to show off your drunken stories and send people beers and invites to the site.

But until then, we have a contest.

The contest is, the person with the best post win a fifth of alcohol, their choice (as long as its between $20-$30 (sorry international guys, you only get cash to use to buy booze)). You must be 21 to play. No purchase necessary.

The best post shall be decided by points given via number of unique IP comments multiplied by rating. The contest is running for a month starting today (Nov 5th-Dec 5th).

Get posting. Get spreading the word and get some votes and comments, you could be the brand new owner of a delicious fifth of alcohol.

I am also not able to win, being the site owner. Boo hoo.

Okay, I basically run this place, that’s cool n’ shit. But man, you guys are so much better drunken bloggers than I am. This is kind of embarrassing, I mean I fucking built this house. Besides, I get hammered for the sole purpose of relaying you information about the site, how bad ass is that?

Big shout out to my best friends wilkdaddy, zombie and soup, mucho appreciate the drunken thoughts. Mucho? It kind of means “much”. That’s mexican my friend.

What’s changed on the drunk blog?

The answer is not too fucking much. First of all, that random password this is a thing of the past thanks to this post.

ju89kjMN” what? Try “needleringostarr” instead. Much better. Or perhaps “mantoothpaste” or “ringostarrspoon” (coincidence, honestly). In case you are curious, click here for an example of one of the possible password combinations. Just hit refresh for a new one. Entertainment?

Math Revue (fuck off guy with a knowledge beyond spell check):

I have 527 words possible in the list (for now). Since I just randomly combine two words from the list together to make your password, there is a total combination of 5272 assuming we don’t care about repeats. That’s a grand total of 277,729 different combinations. Wanna brute force? Fine, I’ll ban your IP. Geek cred.

PS: Don’t think 277,729 combos is enough? I can try 146,363,183 combos with three words stringed via 5273. Let me know in the comments. Your peace of mind is absolute.

I’ve also added a rating system.

You’ll also notice that I’ve added a rating system. This is to vote on the usefulness (unlikely) of a post vs. the uselessness (very likely) of a post. The highest rated post every week will be listed in the sidebar along with the top ten from 2 months. If ten seems too a fucking normal number, we will modify it to whatever the 18th comment recommends, case settled. No argument.

I’ve also added a new welcome message.

For the first 3 times you visit the drunk blog, you’ll see a message welcoming you, encouraging you to sign up and encourageing you to post. For the next 7 times, you’ll see a message welcoming you back, and ecouraging you to post. I am thinking about adding an unlimited number for the welcome you back but a quick link to opt out of the (sometimes) annoying message. Again, the comments will tell the story.

And so forth…

And finally I get to the meat of the issue. No more work.

I’ve often wondered what the fuck the deal was with cocaine. I’m not interested in it but in the same way I wonder about supermodels I would bang, what super coke fiends would I snort with? Let’s say:

  • Tim Allen
  • George Clooney (not Batman George Clooney)
  • Robert Downey Jr.
  • Bob Saget

They’d all be awesome. Wikipedia their asses for info.

Once I also shot a deer in the heart, I would imagine that coke would only have improved the adolescent satisfaction I felt. It probably deserved it in a way, I mean, who among us are innocent? Rumor has it that Bambi raped children so I don’t know what to tell you, you sick Bambi loving freaks. What a perfect cover.

I once got into a fight with the ground. It was a general gravity/personal indifference misunderstanding. He was all like “I weight 13,170,856,500,000,000,000,000,000 lbs” (sober correction: I forgot a 0) and I was all like “I weigh 190 lbs”. Strangely, I lost. Something about a 32.17 feet/second pull of gravity did me in. I still have the scar. Fuck Earth.

I also enjoy being so blacked out that I forget what happened. The next day, I like to play “drunk detective” and figure out what happens. Usually that means calling my girlfriend and apologizing and then downing 13 shots of Svedka. Also, I can’t wait to act Russian in Keystone resort. Rosetta stone, here I fucking come.

  • Published:September 12th, 2008
  • Comments:6 Comments
  • Category:Human Nature
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Alright, here I am again after a couple nonsense posts that involved too many topics and too many beers, but I’d like to talk to you about a serious affair: pets. Seriously, what the hell? You know how sometimes you finally look at a word sans its definition and common connotations, it finally is just noise that people have attached a meaning to? Well, that’s kind of like how I have come to feel about pets.

For Example:

Don’t think of the word pets, just think about what they basically are. Animals. Pets are animals. Animals are cool. I like eating animals. I am not a member of PETA, my basic goal is to point out how silly we are about animals. Other animals.

Animals

We take animals and lock them in our homes. They are our pets. We feed them. They are animals. Isn’t that a bit strange? I have no problem with keeping animals as pets, and no problem with when people eat them (delicious). I do think it is rather odd that we take an otherwise seperate animal and lock them in our homes.

It’s a bit curious, we take a lizard (let’s say an iguana), and lock it in a neat little cage attempting to recreate what its used to.  He surely won’t be doing much in his 16 oz world. I have no feelings for him, I just wonder what drives us to hide said lizard in a cage in our homes. Its odd at the very least.

Pets

Just think about it for a second. Outside of the box, per say. Our pets. Our dogs and cats and fish. What in thef hell are they doing in here?

Dogs that do shit for us, more understandable. Dogs that shit for us, less understandable.

By the way, I would say I am about 9 drinks in.

First off, I’d like to thank the big Soup for the visit tonight, he fought valiantly but still managed to take second place to the man. By the way, I would be the man. I hate to be that guy, but Soup isn’t quite that guy. Soup is second to me. Count it.

Regardless, I respect the Soup. He does what the Campbell’s do, namely, rock the house. While this is something worth respecting, tonight, I’d like to talk about something more important: drug commercials.

Yeah, those cheesy commercials that ask you to ask your doctor about a drug that “might be right for you,” What the fuck ever, acid might be right for you. John. Lennon.

Drugs, God’s gift to man

Okay, I am not 100% sure what drug was being advertised, but the warning tag line went like this:

If you are suspected of or have a history of tuberculosis, please let your doctor know before taking XXX.

Okay, first of all, if I had a history of tuberculosis, I’d most likely be DEAD. Especially since TB is under-diagnosed because of the highly unlikely nature of your catching it. Although we have an effective measure of treatment for TB, we never see it anymore so it’s unlikely that your trusting doc would diagnose you properly. That means you die, maybe.

Okay, so what if I have TB and need said advertised drug..

You’re fucked. Not only once, but twice: give up. While this isn’t an advice blog, but you might consider that.

So, who cares if giant corporations influence public opinion about the most tested drugs in the word?

Fucking ME. That’s who. This is the way it works: the rich people fuck the poor people. The end. Good fucking God what other proof do you need? For example:

We just invented a new drug for restless leg syndrome. RLS is a very rare and uncommon disease that isn’t well understood.

So let’s take the public by storm and declare that any sensations in  the legs around bedtime are the result of a rampant case of RLS!!!!!

Try it. Lay in bed and try to feel those restless legs. I bet you can. If you try really, really hard. You can feel it? Yep, buy our drugs. Problem solved.

Okay, what else is ruining America?

Carlos Mencia.

Seriously, who thinks this guy is funny? I might be breaking new ground for this blog (besides the fact that I am one of the few who post) but seriously this show of “comedy” is absolutely pathetic. Reciting ridiculous racial stereotypes is NOT EDGY. It’s old hat and stupid.

HHAHHAHAHHHAHAH. Mexicans wear funny hats and LOVE TACOS!@@!!!1!!1! HAHAHAH.

Please stop. Sweet nectarine Lord please stop.

So, what is enriching America?

Movies that come from other countries. How fucking sad is that? Take In Bruges for example, a racist midget is killed by some asshole because he wants to avenge a child’s death (which apparently is wrong). The racist midget is high on coke and  thinks blacks and white are gonna go at it Manson-style. Then a guy karate chops him. Said midget is killed by said asshole.

I don’t even care. Midgets, come get me. You’re so small that I can take you no problem. Pussies.

Karate chopping a midget = awesome. Awesome = enriching America. Basic science.

Done.

Alright, I’m finished after about 12 drinks or so over an 3-4 hours period. I’m really drunk. I don’t even care that this is a pathetic article. It’s a fucking article and it fucking counts. Fuck.

  • Published:July 16th, 2008
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  • Category:Loony Bin
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I am now about 10 1/2 drinks in and an avid fan of the famous Frank Sinatra’s quote:

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

For those of you who don’t know who Frank Sinatra is, you might consider killing yourself. I’m sorry if that rattles your petty conscience, but really, it is the most prudent thing to do. Like without knowledge of Frank is a massive waste, but I wish you the best of luck “14. Shov[ing] a Chef’s knife up your butt.” Really, good luck. Don’t forget to twist.

Shit, did I digress?

I suppose I did, because what I really wanted to talk about is Walker Texas Ranger. Now, most of you know Mr. Norris from the almost unending list of supposedly half-true (I say half-true because nobody who dares question the Man ever returns alive, therefore, we just don’t know) facts. While that is a good introduction to all that is Norris, you’re missing out on a vital, if elusive factor.

Walker Texas Porn.

“Walker Texas Porn” is kind of like a game, and kind of like a sick fantasy. Basically, you start with an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, and you strip (pun definitely fucking intended) away the retarded fight scenes and replace them with scenes of hardcore pornography.

Now since I have personally disallowed the viewing of pornography on this site, I can’t grace you with the amazing possibilities that naturally arise when you match a sub-par, long running B-rated action television show starring a Texas Ranger with hardcore vaginal pounding pornography. You’ll just have to trust me, it’s amazing.

Why would you do this?

Why not?

You do realize that not having a reason against doing  something is a common fallacy? How could you possibly do all the things you haven’t reasoned against doing in you life?

Fuck you, I just wanna watch Chuck Norris bang the hell out of some random bitches. As for my second question, drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

You are brilliant!

Fuckin’ aye I am!

So who would Walker bang?

Well, there are several people who fit the profile. For example, Cameron Diaz has been noted to like hairy men. I’m not saying she should be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris, but she should definitely be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris. Norris is hairy as hell, he once donated hair to Robin Williams, a real life gorilla. In fact, Williams starred in a Phil Collins music video sans makeup.

To answer your question, yes, Chuck Norris did make possible the most famous drum fill in history. He says you’re welcome.

I am now 12 drinks in, and I’ll spare you the math.

Well, I’m about 12 drinks in and I’ve realized something after spending a night failing to do anything remotely interesting. Society is destined to fail, and by fail, I mean a glorious failure of Christian magnitude. And by Christian magnitude, I mean in every fucking way possible. This is basically because we, the general population, have fucked up so bad that even the sweet, nectarine Lord himself couldn’t save us from ourselves. I present:

Exhibit A: N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie

This sickening display should not only disgust car enthusiasts, but also whatever Barbie enthusiasts remain. Jesus H. Christ, why in the hell is there even such a thing as a “Barbie Enthusiast.” I mean, what in the fuck was the sweet lord thinking during the flood when he let the eventual precursor family that eventually spearheaded the introduction of the N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie survive?Nascar Barbie = Society Fails

It’s not so much a question of “Where did he go wrong?” but “Why the fuck did he let this go so obviously wrong?”. I mean, a retarded monkey with mechanical balls could tell you this was a bad idea, but yet, they went through with it. And worse, much, much worse, is that it was probably entirely successful. That my friends, is why, in part, there can logically be no god.

If you really step back and think about it, it becomes rather obvious. The Barbie Doll is a sickening beacon of our failure as a society that upholds basic intellectual principals. For example, here is a common lesson Barbie bestows on impressionable young girls:

Don’t worry, you’ve got nice tits young’n! Many a man will be impressed by your bossum and grant you many years of work free solitude!

Wow. Reading over my last sentence before my brief departure from reality into the mind of wicked parents who blatently distort reality to serve the ridiculous fantasies of CEO’s and other useless men, I’ve realized that perhaps I am being a little harsh. Essentially correct, but harsh none-the-less.

I wouldn’t wish the N.A.S.C.A.R. Barbie upon anyone, ever. Except Jesus. And the entire fucking writing crew behind The Bible.

Oh, I also dispise organized religion.