New Year’s Eve 2009

by BulleitMike

So, I have been known to really enjoy bourbon.  Whiskey is my favorite poison but it gets me into trouble sometimes… I currently live in Raleigh, NC and last night I decided to do pre-bar-hopping-drinking with a bottle of Bulliet (the stuff is good!).  Because I didn’t want to risk drinking and driving and to avoid trying to hunt down a cab with all the other partiers, my girl and I got a sweet hotel room in the center of downtown.  We got to the hotel at around 9pm and we started taking shots of bourbon as we got ready to hit the streets… At around 10pm, we were already feeling quite buzzed so we decided to get some burgers at the lobby.  Man, those burgers were amazing!  After dinner we felt that we were ready to do some serious boozing and that we would probably not get too sick.  We headed back to the room where we nearly finished the bottle.  I got my drinking hat on and the adventure began.  We cruised around for a little bit until we finally set up shop in a bar a few blocks from the hotel.  We took more shots and rang in the new year being trashed.  In all the craziness, I ran into one of my oldest friends who apparently has thing for Jager.  We took shots of that poison and talked for a few minutes.  That’s all I remember…  I woke up the next morning in my niece’s bunk bed.

“What happened???”, “Where am I??”, “Why do I have scrapes on both my knees?”, “Why does my elbow look like someone took a power sander to it??” and of course “Where is Isha??”  I reach for my phone and see dozens of missed calls mostly from Isha who waited for me to return from the bathroom, which I never did.  When I called her, she answered crying asking where the **** I was.

I put on my soaking wet jeans, covered in mud and asked my brother-in-law to give me a ride to the hotel.  I had my girl’s ID and bank card with me because she didn’t want to carry a purse so I was pleassantly surprised to see she had made it back to the room.  She was so drunk that she forgot where the hotel was and a nice couple helped her find her way back to the room.  When I got there, she was in the process of calling hospitals to see if I had been in an accident.

Apparently, I forgot that I was out with my girl and left her at the bar.  I also forgot that we had a room at the hotel.  I found a taxi company card in my wallet and my phone showed a call made to them at around 3am which suggest that I took a cab home to my place.  When I got there, I had no keys.  I vaguely remember trying to break into my apartment, unsuccessfully, and running to my sister’s house in the rain wearing dress shoes.  I must have wiped out running which is the only way I can explain the scrapes and what I have come to self-diagnose as a dislocated shoulder…

It is now 1:15 AM and I have been in the comfort of my bed for almost sixteen hours… Last night was a crazy night.  Lost my camera, my hat and a little bit confidence.  Guess I lucked out because it could have been a lot worse. Happy New Year!!!

Girl: Apparently I beat up an Italian chick last night

by passout-princess

So, I am sure we have all had our fair share of waking up and not being able to connect those extremely blurry black dots. Well, I woke up and was told that I got into a fight with an Italian girl who very nicely complemented at the ladies and said I was beautiful, next thing i jumped her and said “why u being sarcastic?” and got into a brawl. So i walk out after being thrown around, and after throwing some Italian around (as you do, on a day2day basis), I walk out and accuse a man of looking like an ex and tried to burn a stick of Marlboro reds on his face. With his neck all clawed by me and face bruised after I threw him a punch, he leaves the club without even throwing a single insult at me.

I think I brought “drunk” to a whole new level for us ladies. Very unlady like and very unAustralian of me to do so. The best part is I dont remember a single thing, I dont remember being there, and neither do I remember seing anyone that I saw, let alone bashing up someone. Next week, was Haloween, and everyone I saw said, “hows the Italian girl?”

Happy New Year: The drunkard’s holiday

by peepants

Well, it’s everyone’s holiday but everyone almost is drinking and or drunk.

They join us, this day.

How did the NYE celebration go for you? Tell me about it here.

I have some beer I snagged from the party–I was tipsy. I grabbed chicken, empanadas and beer. I brought Heineken pony keg and left it there–it’s a guy’s beer. I liked the commercial of everyone’s home bar. It was nice. I too would like to have a boxcar on my vast property and turn it into a bar.

Anyways, have a good NY and post your stories of escapades! I think I laughed for four hours at my brother’s party.

I was grateful for that.

Always Sunny + Pickles + Magic Hat = Awesome

by murfylee

I am ashamed how long it took me to correctly type that title.

So, I love Always Sunny in Philly. It’s on, I’ve had 8(ish?) beers, and I feel prepared to rock your fucking faces off with this tale of disgusting rediculousness.

as told to me by a co-worker, and I just want to state, I am not Sarah, so quit asking:

Tim has been dating Sarah for a few weeks, nothing too serious and she won’t give it up, but he’s really into her, so he’s sticking with it. They’re at dinner one night, and she says, “I think tonight we should seal the deal” (probably phrased it differently, but that’s what I was told). Tim’s super excited, and on the ride home, Sarah says shit like, “I hope you’re into trying new things, I hope you like experimenting, etc.”. Tim’s thinking FUCKING SWEEEEEET!

They get back to her house, and they’re making out when she pauses, and reaches under her bed, and pulls out a blue tarp. He thinks, “fuck yes this is awesome, I got a freak!”. He thinks nothing of it, clothes come off, and when they’re both naked, she reaches over to her bedside table and pulls out a loooooong string of anal beads.

Tim looks at her in amazement, and says, “Sarah, I cannot believe you’re into anal! That’s awesome!”, to which she replys, “ummmmmm these are for you.”

Whoa. Tim’s head explodes. She SOMEHOW calms him down, and convinces him to put these anal beads  up his ass. Whatevs, they’re up there, he just starts smashing that shit like an Idaho potato.

At the height of passion, Sarah reaches around and rips that shit out like she’s starting a weedwacker. PPPPPFFFFFTTTTTT! He shits evvvvvvverywhere (which is where the blue tarp comes in). He is in pure shock, and Sarah leans over and says, “I want you to fuck me in your shit.”

Tim does, and leaves, and hasn’t seen her since.

I feel like a horrible person for a couple reasons:

1) I always tell this story to people I don’t know, and I think it’s funny, but I’m sure it just alienates them.

2) Who the fuck does that?

3) My best friend gave me a blue tarp for my birthday, and it somehow wound up under my bed, and I still can’t convince people I’m not Sarah.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the story. I love to tell it. If you ever hear it, I probably told that person the Blue Tarp story. Sorry. It’s gross. Always Sunny is the best show ever.

Hoooooraaaaaay Magic Hat!

Machiovich owned a boat

by happyian
  • Published:October 31st, 2008
  • Comments:1 Comment
  • Category:Drunk Stories
  • Rating:
    • 1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars
    4.00/5, 2 votes
    Loading ... Loading ...

Machiovich owned a boat, for the sailing and such. He walked around in his town, and waved at most, and eat everything he saw. Hey look at that, Machiovich is eating a corndog!

Dear Corndog,

I am about to eat you. I have coated you in mustard, that should have been your first warning. Hey, I’m covered in mustard… Things that are about to get eaten are covered in mustard. That is what you should have been thinking, when I covered you in mustard. Once I bit into you, you could know for certain, you are being eaten, but it was possible for you to know ahead of time too. Heck, you should have known you were gunna get eaten when you were born a corndog. Anyways, you’re crazy for not thinking you were gunna get eaten. You’re crazy. You are crazy!

-Dr. Machiovich

Dr. Machiovich (Machiovich being his first and last name) folded the envelope and left it on a random door step for a random person. How random! He would come back later and break into that house and murder that person and process their body into hotdogs, and wrap corn bread around them and then coat that cornbread in mustard and then eat it. but he would wait until they threw the letter out first. Those bastards, not recycling and what not.

Machiovich Machiovich walked down the block to the grocery store, and walked in the front door. The greeter greeted him and he greeted in return. Can you greet in return?

Brandon Herigart opened up his door, and on his front porch was a letter. It was was sloppily written, almost illegible actually. What it appeared to say was:

Deer Corndog

Shamed

by stretch

Shit happens when you drink.

From comments:

I would leave a backstory if I remembered it… I don’t remember much of anything from that night (see picture [below]).

I do remember waking up and taking 3 showers. When those didn’t effectively clean the cocks and balls off of my epidermis I sat in front of my mirror naked and scrubbed myself with dish soap.

I love being the blank canvas for all of you aspiring artists.

Shamed