Before I start this, allow me to make this clear: when I drink, I become one of the most belligerent, unnecessary drunks on the face of this Earth. I have some of the most fucked up drunk stories of anyone I have met in my lifetime. If you do not believe anything that I write. Feel free to e-mail me at email@example.com. I will be more than happy to line you up with one of the people that were present at the time this occurred to clear up any doubts you may have.
No person should EVER do what I did in the following story, when it gets to the point involving Anabolic Halo…you’ll see.
It started out as a normal enough night. Myself and a buddy, Dan, were following our normal Friday night regime. Which mainly consisted of sitting at my place, pounding beers as we awaited the start of the party. This night, however, accompanying the beer was one of my worst enemies—Vodka. Any clear liquor in combination with myself, ultimately leads to me doing something completely absurd. After the beer was gone, we were both decently shitfaced. The obvious decision ahead of us was to immediately start in on the bottle of vodka, to ensure that we were both as drunk as possible upon our arrival to the party. We arrived at the party and immediately took turns chugging what remained of the vodka before making our entrance. My last clear memory for the next few hours would be walking into the party.
I come out of my blackout as I am yelling in the face of some GDI kid. Dan is yelling at his friend about fucking his mother, or something of the like. I stop momentarily to gather my now rehabilitated senses to assess the situation. I have lost my jacket, it is now pouring down rain, there is no one else at the party but myself, Dan, and the two losers we are now repeatedly ravaging with insults; we essentially were making them look like bitches. Then it escalated slightly:
Bitch-Boy 1″ You motherfuckers wanna go to the woods?”
Bitch-Boy 2″Yeah let’s take this outside.”
Kevin” You guys are fucking pussies, you won’t do SHIT!”
Dan”OUTSIDE? WE ARE RIGHT FUCKING HERE!! FUUUCK!!”
At this point I should note that Dan is about 6′3 200lbs, and on an average weekend is an entity of pure drunken vehemence. His voice does not drop below anything short of “ear-piercing.” Anytime we drink together a long, vile, argument always eventuates.
These guys decide it is in their best interest to not continue this altercation with us, apologize for whatever the fuck we were arguing about, and ask us for a ride, due to the fact that they walked to the party and it is now raining cats and dogs. We agree to this for some odd reason, and walk to Dan’s car. After I ponder for a moment, I decide I am the Mario Andretti of drunk driving. If I am not blacked out drunk, I’m more than good enough to drive. Seeing as Dan had recently gotten a DUI, he agreed with my logic and had no remonstrations to my request to drive.
We drove for about a total of 10 seconds before I slammed into the curb and the passenger-side front tire blew out. Note that mine and Dan’s drunken rationale totally eliminated this possibility. We realized this was the cause when we went back for the car the next day and the rim had about a four inch section of it pushed inwards towards the center of the rim. In belligerent drunk mode, hitting a curb and blowing out a tire can result in this:
Kevin”What the fuck just happened!”
Dan” MY TIRE! STOP THE FUCKING CAR!”
Kevin”NO! It’s good.”
Dan”SOMEBODY PUT BOTTLES UNDER MY TIRES! FUUUUUCKKKKKKK!”
I stop the car and Dan confirms the tire is, indeed, flat.
Kevin”Dude that had to be what happened. I couldn’t have fucking hit anything. I would have noticed.”
Kevin” FUCK YOU! YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT! YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE!”
Dan”I TRIED TO FUCK YOUR MOTHER BUT IT’S HARD TO KEEP ASHES WET!”(Yes, my mother is dead and was cremated. Seriously.)
Kevin”FUCK YOU! I’m calling my roommates.
Bitch-Boy 1″Dude, you guys are fucked up. We’re walking from here.”
They got out of the car and took off walking.
I call one of my roommates, Adam, tell him our location, and ask him to come pick us up. He arrived shortly, and took us back to my house where there are people partying. We get there, go inside, and I discover my other roommate, Ben, who will be referred to as ‘James’ for the rest of this recounting for reasons not to be named; a few people I do know, and a a few people I do not. People I don’t know when I’m drunk equals someone for me to guilt-freely harass, degrade, and barrage with insults, as well ridiculous demands. This is how I announced my arrival:
Kevin”GET NAKED BITCHES!”
This really offended this one whore, whom I will talk about later. She proceeds to start freaking out on Dan, in true trailer trash whore fashion. She runs at him and starts pounding on his chest and screaming about how much she fucking hates him already. This bores me so I look for something to do to entertain myself.
I see some guy I don’t know sitting on the couch in our den. I approach him and initiate this conversation:
Kevin”Quit nursing that beer. Chug it right now, pussy.
Pansy”No way dude, I’m not doing it.”
Kevin”Motherfucker if you do not chug that beer right fucking now I am going to put my dick in your face until you do.”
Pansy”Chill out man. No.”
I yank down my pants and pose in Captain Morgan style with one leg on the arm of the couch, and lean forward so my penis was directly in his face. He chugs his beer. I am currently satisfied with this environment. I pull my pants up, and turn around, surveying my surrounding. I see another guy I don’t know eating a Nutty Bar, which with my unparalleled drunken logic abilities, I immediately deduced was my roommate James’. I yell:
Kevin”YOU SNEAKY SON OF A WHORE! YOU BETTER SARAN WRAP THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND PUT IT BACK IN THE BOX—NOW!”
Pansy2″Dude, what is your problem? Just calm down.”
Kevin”NO! I WILL NOT TOLERATE THIS! NOW!”
Pansy2″You’re not that hardcore man.”
Kevin”MOTHERFUCKER! I WILL SHOW YOU HARDCORE!”
I walk to the refrigerator, and snatch this big container of James’ post-workout supplement, Anabolic Halo, off of the top of it. If you are not familiar with what Anabolic Halo is, it is described by their website as having: “75 cutting edge ingredients, 6 critical elements, and 3 cryogenic technologies that will synergistically force your freakiest gains ever.” Again, nobody should EVER, do what I did next.
I walk past Pansy2 and dumped out a pretty decent pile of this horrible creation onto the table in our living room, where 5 people were playing some drinking game. Dan grabs a handful out of powder out of the container, and prepares to throw it at some bitch playing the drinking game. I do not no what compelled me to do this, but I immediately snort all of what is in Dan’s hand, then start snorting the pile I had just dumped out on the table. I then proceeded to begin sequentially chugging the beers of the people sitting at the table. I was halfway through beer number 4 when I realized my head was about to explode. I reeled for a second before I began projectile vomiting all on the center of the table, cards and everything.
From what I’m told, the expression on my face remained calm. Kind of irrelevant I know, but I thought it was funny.
I regain my composure momentarily. Long enough at least to yell: “THAT’S HARDCORE! FUCK YOU!”
I then literally ran to the bathroom and proceeded to hug the toilet and completely empty everything in my stomach, while dry heaving in between trying to expel the rest of the Anabolic Halo from my membrane with repetitive nose blowing, the whore who had previously attacked Dan earlier in the night walks into my bathroom. I stand up and say:
I turn around and she just stands there and watches me piss. I finish she locks the door, snatches her pants down, and immediately begins pissing after telling me not to leave. I take a knee and extend the toilet paper to her, as the true gentleman that I obviously am. She finishes, stands up, pushes me against the wall, and begins violently making out with me.
It may or may not have been the single most erotic experience of my life. More than likely, not. Sadly enough, I did not manage to fuck this whore. But oh well, I always make up for missed opportunities.
That’s the last story worthy memory for that night. If you want more, comment.