Always Sunny + Pickles + Magic Hat = Awesome

by murfylee

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I am ashamed how long it took me to correctly type that title.

So, I love Always Sunny in Philly. It’s on, I’ve had 8(ish?) beers, and I feel prepared to rock your fucking faces off with this tale of disgusting rediculousness.

as told to me by a co-worker, and I just want to state, I am not Sarah, so quit asking:

Tim has been dating Sarah for a few weeks, nothing too serious and she won’t give it up, but he’s really into her, so he’s sticking with it. They’re at dinner one night, and she says, “I think tonight we should seal the deal” (probably phrased it differently, but that’s what I was told). Tim’s super excited, and on the ride home, Sarah says shit like, “I hope you’re into trying new things, I hope you like experimenting, etc.”. Tim’s thinking FUCKING SWEEEEEET!

They get back to her house, and they’re making out when she pauses, and reaches under her bed, and pulls out a blue tarp. He thinks, “fuck yes this is awesome, I got a freak!”. He thinks nothing of it, clothes come off, and when they’re both naked, she reaches over to her bedside table and pulls out a loooooong string of anal beads.

Tim looks at her in amazement, and says, “Sarah, I cannot believe you’re into anal! That’s awesome!”, to which she replys, “ummmmmm these are for you.”

Whoa. Tim’s head explodes. She SOMEHOW calms him down, and convinces him to put these anal beads  up his ass. Whatevs, they’re up there, he just starts smashing that shit like an Idaho potato.

At the height of passion, Sarah reaches around and rips that shit out like she’s starting a weedwacker. PPPPPFFFFFTTTTTT! He shits evvvvvvverywhere (which is where the blue tarp comes in). He is in pure shock, and Sarah leans over and says, “I want you to fuck me in your shit.”

Tim does, and leaves, and hasn’t seen her since.

I feel like a horrible person for a couple reasons:

1) I always tell this story to people I don’t know, and I think it’s funny, but I’m sure it just alienates them.

2) Who the fuck does that?

3) My best friend gave me a blue tarp for my birthday, and it somehow wound up under my bed, and I still can’t convince people I’m not Sarah.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the story. I love to tell it. If you ever hear it, I probably told that person the Blue Tarp story. Sorry. It’s gross. Always Sunny is the best show ever.

Hoooooraaaaaay Magic Hat!

Machiovich owned a boat

by happyian

Machiovich owned a boat, for the sailing and such. He walked around in his town, and waved at most, and eat everything he saw. Hey look at that, Machiovich is eating a corndog!

Dear Corndog,

I am about to eat you. I have coated you in mustard, that should have been your first warning. Hey, I’m covered in mustard… Things that are about to get eaten are covered in mustard. That is what you should have been thinking, when I covered you in mustard. Once I bit into you, you could know for certain, you are being eaten, but it was possible for you to know ahead of time too. Heck, you should have known you were gunna get eaten when you were born a corndog. Anyways, you’re crazy for not thinking you were gunna get eaten. You’re crazy. You are crazy!

-Dr. Machiovich

Dr. Machiovich (Machiovich being his first and last name) folded the envelope and left it on a random door step for a random person. How random! He would come back later and break into that house and murder that person and process their body into hotdogs, and wrap corn bread around them and then coat that cornbread in mustard and then eat it. but he would wait until they threw the letter out first. Those bastards, not recycling and what not.

Machiovich Machiovich walked down the block to the grocery store, and walked in the front door. The greeter greeted him and he greeted in return. Can you greet in return?

Brandon Herigart opened up his door, and on his front porch was a letter. It was was sloppily written, almost illegible actually. What it appeared to say was:

Deer Corndog

Shamed

by stretch

Shit happens when you drink.

From comments:

I would leave a backstory if I remembered it… I don’t remember much of anything from that night (see picture [below]).

I do remember waking up and taking 3 showers. When those didn’t effectively clean the cocks and balls off of my epidermis I sat in front of my mirror naked and scrubbed myself with dish soap.

I love being the blank canvas for all of you aspiring artists.

Shamed