Always Sunny + Pickles + Magic Hat = Awesome

by murfylee

Thanks for visiting The Drunk Blog! You are more than welcome to sign up and post some drunken ranting or subscribe to our RSS feed! Regardless, it's time to get your drink on.

I am ashamed how long it took me to correctly type that title.

So, I love Always Sunny in Philly. It’s on, I’ve had 8(ish?) beers, and I feel prepared to rock your fucking faces off with this tale of disgusting rediculousness.

as told to me by a co-worker, and I just want to state, I am not Sarah, so quit asking:

Tim has been dating Sarah for a few weeks, nothing too serious and she won’t give it up, but he’s really into her, so he’s sticking with it. They’re at dinner one night, and she says, “I think tonight we should seal the deal” (probably phrased it differently, but that’s what I was told). Tim’s super excited, and on the ride home, Sarah says shit like, “I hope you’re into trying new things, I hope you like experimenting, etc.”. Tim’s thinking FUCKING SWEEEEEET!

They get back to her house, and they’re making out when she pauses, and reaches under her bed, and pulls out a blue tarp. He thinks, “fuck yes this is awesome, I got a freak!”. He thinks nothing of it, clothes come off, and when they’re both naked, she reaches over to her bedside table and pulls out a loooooong string of anal beads.

Tim looks at her in amazement, and says, “Sarah, I cannot believe you’re into anal! That’s awesome!”, to which she replys, “ummmmmm these are for you.”

Whoa. Tim’s head explodes. She SOMEHOW calms him down, and convinces him to put these anal beads  up his ass. Whatevs, they’re up there, he just starts smashing that shit like an Idaho potato.

At the height of passion, Sarah reaches around and rips that shit out like she’s starting a weedwacker. PPPPPFFFFFTTTTTT! He shits evvvvvvverywhere (which is where the blue tarp comes in). He is in pure shock, and Sarah leans over and says, “I want you to fuck me in your shit.”

Tim does, and leaves, and hasn’t seen her since.

I feel like a horrible person for a couple reasons:

1) I always tell this story to people I don’t know, and I think it’s funny, but I’m sure it just alienates them.

2) Who the fuck does that?

3) My best friend gave me a blue tarp for my birthday, and it somehow wound up under my bed, and I still can’t convince people I’m not Sarah.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the story. I love to tell it. If you ever hear it, I probably told that person the Blue Tarp story. Sorry. It’s gross. Always Sunny is the best show ever.

Hoooooraaaaaay Magic Hat!

Just a quickie!

by mdavfc

Guess what? Yeah Im getting pissed, nothing new there. This is quick note to everyone who was in the habit of saying “It doesn’t feel like fall” well eat my balls, try raking the leaves in my yard you happy,smiley motherfuckers . Oh well at least it gave another reason to drink(like I needed any) Cheers to all you faithful. By the way its -2 degrees celcuis.  27 degrees fahreheit to you yanks, and 270 kelvin to silly motherfuckers. LATE.

P.S. good luck to all in the contest. FREE BOOZE IS STILL FREE BOOZE.

Confused squirrels goade purposeless acorns

by regorhunt02052

It is those crazy chipmunks ruining my day.  They squeech and squealch and fluff their feathery tales.  I have a puffy tail.  And who told my landlord he could evict my nextdoor neighbors?  They have been burrowing a place of their own for 10 days!!!  I woke up early yesterday morning and ate some red berries.  I was wired and scootered to Jimmy’s coven.  Bastards suckling on my tax dollars, they wouldn’t know a pseudo contingency from a an irrational purchase at WalMart.

And from the skum who drown in vain

“Duck n Run, avoid the cane!”

Protest the mindless,

Imbibe the best.

The Sucklers always fein interest.

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