Please enjoy The Drunk Blog

• Published:November 29th, 2008
• Comments:No Comment
• Category:Loony Bin, Uncategorized
• Rating:

5.00/5, 5 votes
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Thanks for visiting The Drunk Blog! You are more than welcome to sign up and post some drunken ranting or subscribe to our RSS feed! Regardless, it's time to get your drink on.

I think it is fabulous.  I can’t help but have a little drink with lunch- and then maybe have a little wine after that.  (Typing drunk is hard.  Typing drunk requires you to  have a very close relationship with the backspace button.)  The Chiefs are not very good….. by the way…

I like a drink here and there… I Like it when the bartender knows my name and has my drink ready for me.  Heather or Alice or Brandon or whatever the bartender of the night is….  Just hand me another.  You know what I like.

What do I think about when I drink?  How awesome everyone is.  How awesome sex is.  How everything is totally fantastic and everyone is totally awesome and typing is more difficult.  You should have seen what i typed before I delteted it.  Total crap.  I wish I could write a post that made it all seem more awesome.  Looking and reading my post make me wonder if anyone is catching on to the ramblings inside my head.   Maybe not.

I have somewhat of an ADD type thought.  I can start thinking about what I had for breakfast yesterday and end up thinking about calculators.  It all works out.  My bouncy thought process is more interesting inside my head than I think others can fathom from where they are.  Hmmm thought process…

No one can see my drunk eyes from where they sit, I look confused Im sure… like im going to pass out… Im sure I might.

If you rape a prostitute, is it stealing?

I don’t have time for stupid people.  I dont have time for the server I work with who runs into the expo line, confused and wondering what black coffee is?  SHe knows wo have regular and decaf, but do we have black coffeee?  And no, he doesnt want cream.  ?!?!?  If anyone has seen the movie Idiocracy, whether they have liked the movie or not… its true.  People with brains in their head wait to have kids- the dumbest people have hoards of them.  Smart people are going extinct.  We are all going to be counting on our fingers in a few years, and our anwer for how old we are is going to be how many fingers we decide to put up.  Don’t let the smart people go extinct!  Have more sex if you have any type of diploma!  We have to reproduce so the idiots don’t take over the world….

If i had 99 bottles of beer,  I think I’d have 2 then pass out.  Id have what, 97 bottles of warm beer stuck to my wall by the time I woke up the next morning?  I can barely drink Bud Light, much less, warm bud light.  Gross.  Stuck to my wall,  ewww.   I’M CRAVING sex and more wine.  I think I’ll have someone get me a bottle.

more soon.  after dinner with the parents.  maybe..  yes.  dinner with the parents.

• Published:November 14th, 2008
• Comments:2 Comments
• Category:Loony Bin
• Rating:

3.00/5, 4 votes
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1. FHa-home-loans.com . . . hmmm. I hope he has g alerts.

2. We lost money but 720 on Cincinnati.

3. Hey Tony dinners on you again.

4. Big ups to Plus1 except Jay.

5. Next year were bringing an assistant. Not jay

6. Kayser B-ry and Mitch can come.

7. Not Jay.

8. Beat Brant in bubble and drinking.

9. That’s what she said!

10. Bougeois lollipop booshie sniz motha fucka.

-Nate

• Published:November 14th, 2008
• Comments:3 Comments
• Category:Drunk Stories, Human Nature, Loony Bin
• Rating:

3.89/5, 9 votes
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I am ashamed how long it took me to correctly type that title.

So, I love Always Sunny in Philly. It’s on, I’ve had 8(ish?) beers, and I feel prepared to rock your fucking faces off with this tale of disgusting rediculousness.

as told to me by a co-worker, and I just want to state, I am not Sarah, so quit asking:

Tim has been dating Sarah for a few weeks, nothing too serious and she won’t give it up, but he’s really into her, so he’s sticking with it. They’re at dinner one night, and she says, “I think tonight we should seal the deal” (probably phrased it differently, but that’s what I was told). Tim’s super excited, and on the ride home, Sarah says shit like, “I hope you’re into trying new things, I hope you like experimenting, etc.”. Tim’s thinking FUCKING SWEEEEEET!

They get back to her house, and they’re making out when she pauses, and reaches under her bed, and pulls out a blue tarp. He thinks, “fuck yes this is awesome, I got a freak!”. He thinks nothing of it, clothes come off, and when they’re both naked, she reaches over to her bedside table and pulls out a loooooong string of anal beads.

Tim looks at her in amazement, and says, “Sarah, I cannot believe you’re into anal! That’s awesome!”, to which she replys, “ummmmmm these are for you.”

Whoa. Tim’s head explodes. She SOMEHOW calms him down, and convinces him to put these anal beads  up his ass. Whatevs, they’re up there, he just starts smashing that shit like an Idaho potato.

At the height of passion, Sarah reaches around and rips that shit out like she’s starting a weedwacker. PPPPPFFFFFTTTTTT! He shits evvvvvvverywhere (which is where the blue tarp comes in). He is in pure shock, and Sarah leans over and says, “I want you to fuck me in your shit.”

Tim does, and leaves, and hasn’t seen her since.

I feel like a horrible person for a couple reasons:

1) I always tell this story to people I don’t know, and I think it’s funny, but I’m sure it just alienates them.

2) Who the fuck does that?

3) My best friend gave me a blue tarp for my birthday, and it somehow wound up under my bed, and I still can’t convince people I’m not Sarah.

Anyways, hope you enjoyed the story. I love to tell it. If you ever hear it, I probably told that person the Blue Tarp story. Sorry. It’s gross. Always Sunny is the best show ever.

Hoooooraaaaaay Magic Hat!

• Published:November 14th, 2008
• Comments:2 Comments
• Category:Loony Bin
• Rating:

5.00/5, 8 votes
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1. Two words: dive bars. Two more words: drink specials. Do your homework and find out where these exist. Some bars do drink specials every 15 minutes. Scary, but true.  In these economically challenged times, even upscale places are now touting their happy hours.

2. Stop buying rounds. Duh. Your friends will not spit on you or run your dirty laundry up any flagpoles. This does not apply to girlfriends or potential hook-ups of course. Buy them rounds. Stay focused. Keep your eye on the prize.

3. Leave the plastic at home. Studies show you spend 33 percent more when charging. This way, when you run out of cash, you either call it a night, or your friends buy you a round for once.

4. Remember your mother. (With all the drinking, sometimes a little thought of the one who brought you into this world helps to keep you on your best behavior. I mean, if that’s your bag.)

5. Befriend your favorite bar. Just once, do something out of your way for the owner or main bartender. Don’t be weird about it and don’t make it a habit. Think: casual, dude.

6. (Shameless plug here) Stock up at home. Go to www.drinkupny.com (wine & spirits) or www.drinkupforless.com (just wine) to get smokin’ deals and free shipping on orders of $100 or more. Throw the next party and put out a tip/donation jar that reads: “CD Fund. (Community Drunk Fund.) Tis the season to give to ye fellow drunks.”

7. Plan a dive bar pub crawl with your friends around public transportation stops. No driving and no cab fares. Make sure you research stops and times though so you are not stranded, broke and too sozzled to realize you just peed in your socks.

• Published:November 8th, 2008
• Comments:4 Comments
• Category:How I Think Things Work, Loony Bin
• Rating:

4.33/5, 3 votes
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99 bottles of beer on the wall , 99 bottles of beer , you     aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh if you don’t know the rest you shouldn’t be drinking.(PBR # 6) So in case you haven’t noticed I like to drink,  and by drink I mean getting pissed.I also like watching hockey and football (not nfl real football. oh I’m sorry soccer  fuck!) AND I’m very pasonate  about both. (PBR #8) I typically watch “football” by myself, but I, more not often than not watch hockey w/ my Canadian friend(female) and we always take shit from Americans in the bar for being to loud FUCK EM!.(That’s a12 pack) .(that’s my problem w/ Americans if doesn’t involve me be quiet.)I think that is called apathy . (working on 15) Anyway my friend also smokes, so she has to go outside to smoke. (My problem with America) I am not a smoker but I always thought a bar was where you went to drink, smoke, and sort your life out, if need be. You drink at a bar you pickle your liver, you smoke, you smog out your lungs. Whats the diff?  We are all going to die let us do it being happy. GO AVALANCH.

P.S. Spellcheck is yhe DOGS BOLLOCKS.

• Published:October 31st, 2008
• Comments:2 Comments
• Category:Loony Bin
• Rating:

4.00/5, 2 votes
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I am delighted with the prospect of a site specifically for drunk blogging. And here I’ve been drunk blogging on sites geared toward the actual recording of events, which I now see is pure folly.

Though unfortunately, I’m so inebriated it took me a number of minutes to figure out how to post.

Today I realized that one of the guys from Rilo Kiley was also on ‘Salute Your Shorts’, back in the day. This sent me through an overwhelming spiral of TV nostalgia. I learned all the greats of classical music, the signs of a serial rapist, and rudimentary spanish, all from watching ‘Looney Tunes’. ‘Clarrissa Explains it All’ and ‘Blossom’ inspired my individual fashion sense, whilst spelling out basic life lessons in a kooky, colorful way. The concepts of dating were learned from ‘Hey Dude’. I discovered that it’s generally a bad idea to spike the punch by watching ‘Doug’. And ‘My Little Pony’…well…was just magical.

Snick was a great, great thing. It was considered so edgy at the time, but when I look back, there is no actual edge in kids throwing pies at each other. Maybe back then parents were more concerned about children not wasting their food. Perhaps.

I cannot stand the children’s programming of today. I would lynch Dora the Explorer. I have no patience for the pauses in ‘interactive’ television. I always end up screaming the obvious at the bilingual bitch. I’m impatient with the repetitiveness in ‘The Backyardigans’, as well. I do enjoy the occasional ‘Yo Gabba Gabba’, however, as I am not an epileptic.

When I was a little girl, I used to sometimes pretend to be an epileptic at slumber parties. I can actually remember flopping around on the floor a few times. I have no idea why I did this, but I find it incredibly entertaining now…as I’m sure I did back then. Maybe that’s the explanation for why I maintained none of my childhood friends.

Remember, kids: lies are only friends you haven’t met yet.