Please enjoy The Drunk Blog

• Published:July 16th, 2008
• Comments:9 Comments
• Category:Loony Bin
• Rating:

5.00/5, 2 votes
 Loading ...

I am now about 10 1/2 drinks in and an avid fan of the famous Frank Sinatra’s quote:

“I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.”

For those of you who don’t know who Frank Sinatra is, you might consider killing yourself. I’m sorry if that rattles your petty conscience, but really, it is the most prudent thing to do. Like without knowledge of Frank is a massive waste, but I wish you the best of luck “14. Shov[ing] a Chef’s knife up your butt.” Really, good luck. Don’t forget to twist.

Shit, did I digress?

I suppose I did, because what I really wanted to talk about is Walker Texas Ranger. Now, most of you know Mr. Norris from the almost unending list of supposedly half-true (I say half-true because nobody who dares question the Man ever returns alive, therefore, we just don’t know) facts. While that is a good introduction to all that is Norris, you’re missing out on a vital, if elusive factor.

Walker Texas Porn.

“Walker Texas Porn” is kind of like a game, and kind of like a sick fantasy. Basically, you start with an episode of Walker Texas Ranger, and you strip (pun definitely fucking intended) away the retarded fight scenes and replace them with scenes of hardcore pornography.

Now since I have personally disallowed the viewing of pornography on this site, I can’t grace you with the amazing possibilities that naturally arise when you match a sub-par, long running B-rated action television show starring a Texas Ranger with hardcore vaginal pounding pornography. You’ll just have to trust me, it’s amazing.

Why would you do this?

Why not?

You do realize that not having a reason against doing  something is a common fallacy? How could you possibly do all the things you haven’t reasoned against doing in you life?

Fuck you, I just wanna watch Chuck Norris bang the hell out of some random bitches. As for my second question, drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

You are brilliant!

Fuckin’ aye I am!

So who would Walker bang?

Well, there are several people who fit the profile. For example, Cameron Diaz has been noted to like hairy men. I’m not saying she should be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris, but she should definitely be in “Walker Texas Porn” with Norris. Norris is hairy as hell, he once donated hair to Robin Williams, a real life gorilla. In fact, Williams starred in a Phil Collins music video sans makeup.

To answer your question, yes, Chuck Norris did make possible the most famous drum fill in history. He says you’re welcome.

I am now 12 drinks in, and I’ll spare you the math.